When people ask me what my dissertation is about, I proudly reply, “Black Love and the Black Family!”

Yes, I’m an academic. But I’m also part of the culture I study. I am fluent in both languages: the language of research and the language of our shared experience, and my translation skills run deep. Sometimes, I blend the two on purpose: to build cultural competence within academic spaces and to bring education to my people around some of the blessings and burdens we need to face in our community.

Society—and yes, even the research literature—loves to promote marriage. Sometimes it feels more like a push than promotion. And don’t get me wrong. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with marriage. In fact, healthy, well-formed marriages are critical for building strong families and futures.

But here’s what often gets lost: marriage is not the whole story.

Getting to the wedding day should not be treated as the “final destination.” But it is the end of one process (dating, courting, declaring, etc) and the beginning of an entirely new life, and potentially a new legacy. We need to start treating it as both.

A lot of people say, “Marriage isn’t the end,” and while I agree, we still need to acknowledge: it is an end. It marks the completion of a meaningful process. But one major issue in our community, is that we have been taught to overemphasize the finish line without properly valuing the entire journey that leads to it. There are entire processes before the vows: the introduction, that magical connection, the dating journey, forming an exclusive relationship, and other progressive milestones that lead up to the Big Day. 

When we skip or rush these steps, we build marriages on shaky ground or we fail to get there at all. And it’s not just our community at fault. We’ve inherited this from American society at large. A society heavily shaped by Eurocentric ideals that not only push marriage, but often push one narrow kind of marriage. The Church (yes, even the Black Church) is complicit too, reinforcing a model without always preparing people for the relational skills and emotional maturity that marriage demands. And also with mismatched messages about sex and marriage and with damning messages about purity and abstinence without any proper sex or relationship education. 

If you asked me what I study, in a nutshell, I simply say: Black Love and the Black Family.

When I am asked to say more, I explain: I study the romantic and familial bonds among Black men and women, including how those bonds shape the educational and developmental outcomes of their children.

In our community, we often say, “Family is everything.” And I believe that can be true! But if family is truly everything, then it’s time we treat it like so. Not just by showing up out of duty or obligation, but by being more intentional in how we choose our partners, how we build our families, and how we shape the future for our children.

There’s something sacred about the way Black people do family. The love that we have to share and the community we’re known for creating is special. Whether it’s aunties raising nieces like daughters, play cousins who become siblings, fictive kin who find their place in the family, or even those who step into roles that society does not always recognize. We’ve known how to love expansively, adapt beautifully, and care resiliently.

And yet, in the modern dating and marriage landscape, we’re still taught to chase love like it’s the whole point. Love is important, it’s a fundamental core need that we all desire and that improves our wellbeing but we need more than it to sustain the multifaceted nature of human life and community. 

The DC Relationship Education Center is committed to teaching the life skills of love, not just the feelings because we’ve all been conditioned to celebrate the wedding day, not prepare for the lifetime of the marriage. And in our community, that’s a setup.

Marriage doesn’t work just because people love each other. It works when people learn to relate to one another, consistently, intentionally, and with tools. Love is real, but it’s not always enough. And wedding vows don’t magically make anyone ready for marriage.

That’s why relationship education, not just marriage promotion, is essential. We can’t keep pushing our people toward “I Do” without walking them through the steps of “How Do I?”

How do I…

• Stay calm when I feel triggered?

• Speak truth without causing harm?

• Hold space for someone else’s story while protecting my own voice?

• Repair after conflict?

• Keep choosing my partnership even when I’m tired, irritated, or unsure?

Relationship-building and family planning are life skills we would do well to not only learn, but to prioritize. Some of the most common gaps in relationship education and skills I notice in my work are:

• Emotional Agility: The ability to move through hard feelings without shutting down or lashing out.

• Conflict Navigation: Not just how to “not argue,” but how to disagree productively and recover quickly.

• Mutuality: A deep understanding of reciprocity where both people feel heard, considered, and valued.

• Boundary Fluency: Knowing your own limits and being able to communicate them without guilt or shame.

• Decision-Making Together: Shifting from “me” to “we” while still honoring individual autonomy.

• Financial Collaboration: Not just budgeting but managing money as a shared responsibility that reflects both of your values and goals.

• Sexual Communication: Being honest about pleasure, needs, and changes over time without fear or judgment.

• Repair Work: The courage to apologize, recalibrate, and rebuild—again and again.

Black Love is beautiful, and partnerships and marriages are great, but if you want a connection that can create healthy families and produce satisfaction, stability, and longevity, you need more than romance and wedding bells. You need skills, tools, and community.